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Same as it ever was – T in the Park 2012 line-up announced

If, in the build-up to the official announcement, you had asked me to name the line-up for T in the Park 2012, I’d have looked at the one headliner already announced – The Stone Roses – and then added two more. ‘Fucking Kasabian‘, I would have said, before adding drily ‘oh, and Snow Patrol, obviously.’ Then we’d have laughed at my little joke and then speculated on who it might actually be.

Well, the announcement came today. And the headliners are in fact The Stone Roses, Fucking Kasabian and Snow Patrol. Really.

TITP organiser Geoff Ellis said “We’ve got The Stone Roses, who are the biggest band on the planet right now, which is fantastic. Snow Patrol obviously, which is a big festival favourite. And we’ve got Fucking Kasabian, a T in the Park favourite, they’re the three headliners. We’ve then got Swedish House Mafia, David Guetta, Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, Florence + The Machine, Skrillex, Jessie J, Example, Chase and Status, The Vaccines, Emeli Sandé  and Rizzle Kicks. It’s a very diverse line-up, and we’re very pleased with it.’

Good Lord.

To say the line-up is unimaginative is a bit like saying that chopping at your John Thomas with a hatchet could be a mistake. It’s so soul-crushingly predictable it makes you weep. ‘Come along’ they cry ‘and see exactly what you always see! What you will always see! Forever!’ It’s about as revolutionary as butter and slightly harder to swallow.

Are Scottish music fans so conservative? Does it have to be exactly the same every year? Can they not have ANY room for manouevre? With Glastonbury on hiatus this year, here was a chance for TITP to be daring and rise to prominence. It sells out anyway, so why not?

And that is the Catch 22, right there. TITP sells out every year and is so worried about not selling out every year that it books the same crap that has always been popular and ignores the law of diminishing returns. It will point to the sell-out as evidence that it got the bill bang-on, but the truth is an established festival sells on its own. You will only see the result of these achingly dull line-ups in a few years.

And that’s when TITP will struggle. Older fans will have seen it all before and feel safe they can give it a miss. Younger fans will simply not want to see this lumbering dad music. Seriously, has anyone who has attended this festival in the last 5 years NOT seen Fucking Kasabian?

For Ellis to call the line-up ‘diverse’ is actually insulting. You’d need to be suffering from a pretty serious head trauma to swallow that one. If he’s said the line-up was ‘safe’, ‘the usual’ or even ‘next year’s as well’ I’d have believed him, but diverse? Never in a million years. When TITP will still, most likely, be headlined by Gary Lightbody and co.

So thousands will go, see what they saw last year then go home. The world’s musical landscape will not be affected one iota, but hey, we’ll sell a lot of beer. And in the last analysis, isn’t that all this landfill indie homecoming is all about these days?

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