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What’s colder than cold? Not the NME Cool List

It’s that time of year again, when the NME attempts to prove how hip and wit’ it they are by selecting the coolest people in music and creating a neat, numbered list. Everyone knows the devil has all the best tunes, but apparently he also likes to be very organised and make sure he has all his information in neat little formats which can be quickly jotted down in an exercise book.

You see, that’s the problem; when the NME tries to be cool, it’s like when your dad tries to talk to you about ‘the twitter’ or your Prime Minister tries to pretend he likes the Arctic Monkeys. It just sets your teeth on edge and utterly confirms how painfully uncool they are.

It’s not their fault, of course. NME has been employing a series of cookie cutter kids for the last ten years, all of whom pretend to like, y’know, like rap and shit, but then gush all over the new Kings of Leon album. Indeed, if 10% of their staff haven’t been on a gap year to find themselves, it would be a miracle. And that’s fine. That’s what their readers want and it’s all about survival for publishers these days. But they really needn’t draw attention to just how shallow they are. It’s like drawing an arrow on your face with a magic marker pointing to a skin blemish. There’s no need.

But here are the top 10, and a guide to who they actually are and why they’ve been chosen. It should be remembered that just 5 short years ago, this list featured the drummer from the Fratellis. Need we say more?

1 Azealia Banks: Unsigned female rapper from New York who nobody at the NME had heard of until they were given a list of boxes to tick and told to hit Google. Impact on culture to this point: zero. Listed to prove how astonishingly into that scene all the Ruperts and Jemimas at the NME are. Fooling no-one.

2 Jarvis Cocker: He’s had a good year. Criticising his selection would be churlish. Highly placed finish is dead giveaway that he was ACTUAL choice of indie loving NME hacks, who are contractually forced to pretend that they prefer obscure New York club music.

3 Honor Titus: Member of hardcore punks Cerebral Ballzy. No-one likes them. Would have been a more impressive selection had they not tried this shit with Les Savvy Fav what seems like 20 minutes ago. Oh, and Gallows. More pointless than dairy-free cheese milkshake.

4 Serge Pizzorno: From Fucking Kasabian.

5 Tom Meighan: Also from Fucking Kasabian and a true insight into the psyche of those editing the venerable publication. ‘John and Ian, Liam & Noel, Pete & Carl; indie darlings need a double act. So we must find one from a band. Oh look, here are two from Fucking Kasabian! Now, even their mothers would admit that these two are nothing but pale dot matrix copies of bands who weren’t that good to begin with. But the audience likes them. Right, them then. They’ll do.’ If they aren’t that cynical at the mag, and the truth is they do actually think these two plasma thieves are actually cool, God help them.

6 Lana Del Rey: Singer who was inspired by David Lynch and was a ‘viral sensation’ a couple of months back. Will be viewed with same hatred as Sandi Thom in six months, trust us.

7 Rhys Webb: The shorter one from the Horrors, who used to be called Spider Webb (geddit?) when they were a comedy act but has gone back to his actual name now they are a Cure covers band. Seems a nice enough bloke, if unlikely to give Jim Morrison a run in the ‘face on t-shirts’ department.

8 Theo Hutchcraft: Singer with Hurts, makes New Order-lite synth pop and pretends to be pretentious for attention. Look down at your toenail. It’s less boring than this man and his band. 21st century Climie Fisher.

9 Matt Helders: This year’s obligatory wacky drummer selection is from the Arctic Monkeys. I’m not even sure Alex Turner could have told you that.

10 Ellery Roberts: Used to be an inside prop-forward with Wigan rugby league club. No, hang on, that’s Ellery Hanley. This one is actually singer with Manchester act Wu Lyf. ‘The year’s most talked about band!’ says their press blurb, which must have come as a shock to anyone who owns a tongue.

Maybe next year the NME should just try not to try so hard? Or, better yet, just pick Brandon Flowers and have done with it? We know you want to….

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3 Responses

  1. Fuck me sideways, that makes me feel old. Or hugely superior, I can’t decide……
    Nick Kent would be turning in his grave if he was dead. Which he isn’t.

  2. Azelia Banks ( I can’t even spell her name right) is the new Esperanza Spalding. Thanks to NME, her most viewed video just got an instant 50K views. It was only 220K views yesterday. “Thumbs up if you only heard of her yesterday”.
    I normally don’t read lists, esp. NME’s, b’c they ignore my favorite band/artist and place someone I loathe or never heard of higher. But this is laughable, yeah even with Jarvis in it.
    Funny thing is most people on twitter agree with number 2, even from Guardian editors who lambasted this list but he got corralled with a bunch of “WHo?” that now they doubt he is really cool. I feel bad for Jarvis. He’s also getting the backlash from this ridiculous list.

  3. I vaguely remember something about Azealia Banks in the Guardian once, but I can honestly say I’d never heard one of her songs. And let’s be honest, that was the point, wasn’t it? they might as well put a sign on the front cover saying ‘look how much cooler than you we are!’

    As for Jarvis, spot on Jonah. He is actually cool, which means he wouldn’t want to be seen with 10m of a ‘cool’ list.

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