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Susan Boyle says performing for the Pope is a ‘dream come true’

If you believe, as we at ELM do, that you gotta sin to be saved, you’ll have to take your hat off to top Italian entreprenuer The Pope. The Italian businessman jets in to Scotland next month to raise funds for his organisation and definitely not show remorse for all the kiddy fiddling. But credit where it is due; Il Papa has turned down the offer of entertainment and will instead by sung at by lovable monster Susan Boyle.

The 49-year-old singer, who is a devout Catholic, is ecstatic at being asked to sing for Pope Benedict XVI in an open-air ceremony in Glasgow when he visits the city next month. Boyle, whose ‘the-mental-next-door’ looks and ability to sing one song reasonably well despite looking like a bag lady won her millions of idiots as fans, was thrilled by the offer to serenade the annointed ex-Hitler Youth member.

‘To be able to sing for the Pope is a great honour and something I’ve always dreamed of  – it’s indescribable” she described.

“I think the 16th of September will stand out in my memory as something I’ve always wanted to do, I’ve always wanted to sing for his Holiness and I can’t really put into words my happiness, that this wish has come true at last.” she put into words.

She said: ‘The Pope’s visit is a very big event for Scottish Catholics. My own faith is the backbone of my life, I pray and say the rosary each day and am very close to my religion.”

However, at the risk of being uncharitable towards the voodoo the howling loonball partakes in, we suspect it might be a tears before bedtime scenario:

Glasgow Green. Il Papa sits expectantly. Susan Boyle’s handlers check she is ready.

Handler – Susan, you all right love?
Susan – It’s sunny today! I like the sun. I’m a singer.
Handler – Good, good love. Now, just say hi to the Pope and then sing and then off, okay? John, did you give her something to calm her down? The last thing we need is her trying to claw her own face off again.

Susan strides on stage

Susan – HELLO! Popey’s Got Talent! Hahahaha! I have a cat! He’s a cat! (Dribbles) Oops! Dribbled! (Bends over to pick up dribbles) oops! Trousers fell down! Oops! No knickers! Ooops!’

Handler shakes head. ‘Fuck me John – get her dummy in the vodka, she’s gone Colonel Kurtz again.’

But we hope we’re wrong.


11 Responses

  1. a lot of anti-papal invective, there, ELM……..shaky nail material, maybe forgot which website you were on??

  2. Not at all. Any organisation which actively discrimiates against gay people, argues against the use of contraception in Africa and has singularly failed to deal with scandalous levels of child abuse is fair game to criticise.

    Some people suggest that we should always respect others religious views. I disagree; we should always respect others’ RIGHT to hold religious views. But we should also have the right ourselves to speak out against anything which we believe to be wrong.

    In other words, believe any hokum you like, but don’t get all pissy when people point out the flaws in your bullshit.

  3. Popefest 2010 has been extended…..Michelle McAnus is also doing a few songs……

  4. While I think the Old Fella is closer South than North when it comes to Heaven and Hell….that’s just pensioner abuse!

  5. aye right………

  6. ….I cannae go him, either, btw…..

  7. I`d like to suggest – in the spirit of ecumenicalism – that the musical bash for the pope be called Rock For Catholisism , or RFC for short .

  8. I hope she does her hip thrusting movement at him …I think he may quite enjoy it.?

  9. You’ll burn in hell for his, my Son……

    On second thoughts, good for you.

    No reason to shy away from the usual invective just because of the subject matter.

    Oh aye, and you forgot women being second class citizens and support for fascism and Latin American military dictatorships 🙂

  10. …so, an article about Susan Boyle turns into this…..shame on you, ELM.

  11. I think the Pope has bigger things to worry about than me, frankly.

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