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Giving the Gift of Music – The ELM Guide to the Christmas Charts

‘It’s Christmas!’ sang Noddy Holder, and how right he was. Indeed, come this time of year, he’s right again. Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat, though not as fat as your mother, who remains a fat cow. Christmas is the time when miracles happen, Jesus is praised and companies try to make as much money as is humanly possible whilst the plebs are spending like there is no tomorrow. The music industry is no different. This is the time of year when a marketing strategy planned in more detail than the Normandy landings gets put into full-throttle and product is shipped. These albums may never be listened to, but they will do for Mum/Dad/Sister/Brother/Aunt or Uncle.

Here we go through this weeks official chart and put it into simple terms so that you can make an informed choice;

  1. Susan Boyle – I Dreamed a Dream: Mental fishwife sings classic ballads in style of above-average am-dram performer. Joy apparently to be had that something as listenable comes from someone so utterly bonkers and, let’s not be coy about this, ugly. Imagine Ernie from Sesame Street miming to an Elaine Paige record.
  2. Westlife – Where We Are: Nation screams ‘at about 14:59’.’ Irish band show more maturity on this, their 307th album. Actually, that’s a lie. Same shit, different haircut. Who is listening to this in 2009?
  3. Take That – The Greatest Day: Live album from their last tour. Will satiate demand from 30-something wimmin for more TT product to drink instant mixer cocktails to and wonder where their lives went. Still, it’s not all bad; ‘Patience’ is better than anything ever written by Snow Patrol. Fact.
  4. JLS – JLS: Imaginatively titled debut from X Factor runners-up. Aimed squarely at hormonal teenage monsters. Band members already booked for line-up round on Buzzcocks circa 2012.
  5. Black Eyed Peas – The End: They’re back! Of course, you may not have noticed they’ve been away, but yes, the world can sleep easy now that the BEP have returned with their curiously popular pop-bilge. Topshops all over Britain will hum to this on Boxing Day.
  6. Michael Bublé – Crazy Love: Hard to hate really. Albums like this perform a valuable anaesthetic role on the elderly,   like a glass of sherry for your Gran on Christmas night.
  7. Queen – Absolute Greatest: For fuck’s sake, how many copies of this do you think your Dad needs? Step away. Get him socks or something. Show a bit of imagination, you clueless gimp. And stop giving Queen money. They have enough.
  8. Snow Patrol – Up to Now: Hmnnn. SP have had five albums, two of which no-one likes. So why does this exist? To show the massive stylistic leap they made between ‘Run’ and ‘Chasing Cars’? No, to give idiots yet another chance to give them money. Not only one to avoid, but one to set fire to in a fit of justified seasonal pique in Tesco.
  9. Leona Lewis – Echo: More of same from ‘British Whitney’. Wake me up when she hits the crack years.
  10. Robbie Williams – Reality Killed the Video Star: No son, indifference did. Now just fuck off.
  11. Will Young – The Hits: Really? ‘Evergreen’ and ‘Leave Right Now’ apart, could even his Mum name another? Still, a great buy for the hitherto-undiscovered-but-undoubtedly-huge group of people who are massive Will Young fans but don’t own ‘Evergreen’ or ‘Leave Right Now’.
  12. Lady GaGa – The Fame – Probably the defining pop album of 2009. And it’s all right. The whole ‘woo-hoo, look at me, I’m a bit mental!’ schtick is starting to wear a bit thin though.
  13. Coldstream Guards Bands – Heroes: Proper old-school. An army band playing for 45 minutes. Many a granddad will be waking up to this on the 25th, only to find it mysteriously ‘disappeared’  (ie hidden by grandkids) by the 26th.
  14. Cheryl Cole – 3 Words: Hopefully ‘Fuck Off Ashley’.
  15. Soldiers – Coming Home: Soldiers sing the standards. Hard not to feel a bit uncomfortable about this, but at least they will make a few quid. Get it for the Daily Mail reader in your life.
  16. Rod Stewart – Soulbook: From the file marked ‘isn’t he dead yet?’ Gravelly-voiced arsehole butchers soul classics available cheaper and far, far better elsewhere.
  17. Michael Jackson – This Is It: Do you know, I’ve got a feeling it isn’t.
  18. Andrea Bocelli – My Christmas: Covers of Slade, Wizzard and Gary Glitter Christmas hits by the Italian maestro. Not really.
  19. Rihanna – Rated R: Nasally yank album of sugary nothingness pretending to be ‘edgy’ bought by children.
  20. N-Dubz – Against All Odds: Ye Gods! Dappy seems a nice kid and all, but that’s no reason to buy his records.

So there you have it. We hope that helps you decide who gets what and why. We’ll have a list of the albums from 2009 you should buy for yourself before the end of the month!


One Response

  1. Susan Boyle is an incredibly talented lady who’s been subjected to considerable ridicule in the media. IMHO she deserves every bit of success that she is currently enjoying.

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