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Bite-size rant – Susan Boyle

For fucks sakeHave you heard Susan Boyle’s version of Wild Horses? Have ya? It’s what everybody’s talking about and it’s going to be number 1 all around the world forever. Everyone loves Susan Boyle. She’s kooky, her story is inspirational and she’s the poster girl for dreamers everywhere.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth, those of us immune to her charms reflect somewhat more soberly. If you happen to be from the same isle as Miss Boyle, you don’t find her kooky, you find her scarily reminiscent of the mental old spinster who burst your ball when it went in her garden and threw her cats at you.

Her story, when distilled, isn’t all that inspirational – clearly not-all-there person mocked cruelly for being odd, world reacts in amazement when ugly person has talent. As for realising her dreams, her dreams include shumping Piers Morgan. That’s just sick.

So all in all, it seems churlish to dislike her, but dislike her we do. The song is gish. Yes, she can sing, but no more than any of those who tread the boards in any average West End show. If, like ELM, you find showtunes the work of Satan on a particularly cruel day then the chances are fair set you aren’t going to feel the blood pumping in certain places about her.

And nor should you, frankly.


7 Responses

  1. “No!!! The hideous spastic lady can sing! My God…I’ve learned something about life, about humankind and about myself. I was too quick to judge her on appearances….maybe I was shallow….”

    etc etc.

    She’s sh** and so is this cover version.

  2. Oh and can I ask elm a quick question?

    It’s been a while since you’ve put the boot into Glasvegas….three days at least. Can we expect more vitroil directed at the hapless shitehawks?

  3. If abusing Glasvegas is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.

  4. Good. I thought you’d decided to ‘cut them some slack’.

  5. och poor susan i like her i cried at the audition thing, mind you i used to cry at little house on prairie so doesnt say much. But i have to say i did giggle at the football…garden..thing, we had a wifie like that in pur village..never thought of it till now..wonder if she can sing??

  6. my god , its true…..wild horses by susan boyle

    mick and keith will be turning in their graves ,

    obviously I refer to the real mick and keith – not the grotesque self-parodying cadavers that currently masquerade vampire-like around the pointless stadium tours of their evil succubus world.

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