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News Nuggets – Processed, non-organic version……

ChickenJamie Oliver, you lying fat-tongued bastard. ELM, being brought up in the 80’s when children were taught to believe everything they heard on television, was completely suckered by the whole organic food argument. I wanted my lettuce with cowshit on it. I hoped my chicken had been running around an area the size of Gloucestershire. I was helping vegetables and animals lead a better life, I thought. Turns out, was I fuck. I was simply giving more money to Tesco.

So, by way of revenge, this week the news nuggets are comprised of 100% mechanically recovered meat, mostly beaks and arseholes from chickens which had chicken AIDS and the gallus gallus domesticus equivalent of a drug habit.

Good news! Glasvegas are back in the studio. Frontman Jamesie Cotter described their new material as “….”. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I’d confidently predict some more Mary Chain rip-off’s with lyrics which would shame a fifth-year schoolkid with their banality.

Kanye West has applied for an internship at GAP in New York. He has plans to launch a clothing business later in the year and feels he has to learn at the sharp end of the business. Kudos to the star, not many would a) do that or b) give a Donald Duck what the clothes looked like when the cash started rolling in. One hopes, however, we are spared the delights of middle-class white kids in Kanye gear being ‘street’. You’re not. You’re called Josh and you were going to be a mid-management drone from the minute your father emptied his nuts up your mother on that drunken caravan trip to Lake Windermere. Accept it.

The NME has announced its first ever female editor. Krissi Murison will take over from outgoing incumbent Conor McNichols. I am fighting every single urge in my body not to make a sexist joke. Actually, it’s not that hard; she can’t possibly be as insipid as McNichols.

Reports from America suggest that happy-go-lucky psychopath Charles Manson would like to collaborate in jail with legendary producer and murderer Phil Spector. Manson, who had an infamous flirtation with the music industry in the 60’s before leading his group of filthy hippy killers on their homicidal spree, fancies that he and the big haired nutjob could craft some interesting stuff together. We don’t reckon it’s got legs, but would be up for either of them to work with Keane.

Tragic news; Dolly Parton’s musical ‘9 to 5’ is to close after just four months. That’s a fucking disgrace. People out there are going to shite by Andrew Lloyd Webber but won’t go to see a celebration of all things Dolly? Philistines. Odd given that Miss P is usually metaphorically lapped up by women and gay men, who must make up 96% of the musical-attending audience (the other 4% made up by straight men who are dragged by their wives and gay men in denial.)

The LA Coroner has delayed the results on Michael Jackson’s zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…….

Right, so now you’ve gored on our nutritionally-evil foodstuffs, be gone with you. You may feel slightly ill; live with it.


2 Responses

  1. What , Dolly Partons musical has gone tits up ?

  2. Do you think Kanye will need to go for an interview? “My last album sucked the big one because I can’t sing, so now I want to go into fashion”. I can recommend working for GAP , you get a great discount . Word to the wise though, if you get caught buying stuff for other people you get sacked. I know, I worked for them for 4 hours once. Fuckers didn’t pay me for them.

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