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Piant a Vulgar Picture – Hockey and the Hype


ELM’s most scabrous contributor Scant Regard returns with another target to aim vitriol-tipped arrows at. Enjoy!

A few weeks ago I was watching an episode of Jools Holland on which appeared a hotly tipped new band going by the name of Hockey. At the time I distinctly remember thinking, and saying to my significant other “What a lot of complete and utter pish, I bet they get a massive push”.  It seems I may have a bit more of the Mystic Meg in me than I thought, as I have recently been reading some reviews which have described the band’s eagerly (!) awaited debut album as sounding variously like “Kasabian, Racey and Rod Stewart singing with New Order”. Now the question is, can my brain imagine the cacophony of awfulness these descriptions conjure? The answer to that is a resounding ‘fuck yes.’ Do I want to buy this album as a result? An equally resounding ‘fuck no.’

And yet, if your music taste lies on the same tangent as mine, we can expect to be bombarded with reviews, interviews, hype and promises of fantasticness about this band in every magazine and on every decent radio show for the foreseeable. Buy their new record! If you don’t own it you have no taste, and are clearly learning impaired!

As we all know, this is a regular occurrence in the murky underworld of “alternative music”, playing musos off against thier burning obsession with being in on the ground floor with any band that might turn out to be the next big(ish) thing, and therefore raising their cool level by one millimetre. What they are actually doing is reducing intelligent people into the crowd that admired the emperors new suit. Well, I’m here to say – He is stark, bollock naked, now leave us be.

How many other examples of this have we seen before? All you have to do is have a gander at almost the entire roll call of Mercury prize winners and nominees. Antony and Johnsons? Christ, it’s amazing – the fat gay guy sounds a bit like a lady – I bet the plebs will lap this up if we tell them it’s avant garde. I had to be physically restrained whilst watching the television broadcast that year, after Jo Whiley uttered the pompous assertion that ordinary people just didn’t get it because they were too stupid to understand. To this day, I swear if I meet that woman I’m going to smack her. Others; the sodding Klaxons? Posh twats with Casio keyboards and incredibly long faces, Roni Size? Who?

So, why, you might wonder, does this get my goat so completely and utterly? Aside from all the stuff I’ve said, it’s the fact that there is no trust. The whole record making, distributing and publicity machine is designed to spoon feed the general populace what to buy. That works fine for the masses who buy their records at the supermarket and think Chris Martin looks like a thoroughly decent bloke, but there is an underclass of record buyers who actually genuinely love and adore their music, and should be treated with a bit more respect by the machine created to service them.

So I’m taking a stand, based purely on what my ears tell me. Say no to Hockey, say no to the causes of Hockey. Join with me Brothers and Sisters! Because, let’s face it, if we rebel, an entire generation of long haired, skinny jean wearing next big things will have to move back in with their parents and get jobs in Tesco, then where will the record companies be?


8 Responses

  1. You cynic you!

    Yes, being told to like something is depressing. Especially as Hockey are so unremittingly average.

  2. I’ve never heard of Hockey of listened to them and will make sure I steer clear. You are totally wrong about the Klaxons though!

  3. No hes not. The Klaxons suck.

  4. I’m a bird.

  5. She is. With a foul mouth.

  6. […] This post was Twitted by ExLM – Real-url.org […]

  7. ” The Klaxons ” and ” The Zutons ” are evil alien invaders from planet Spoonfeed , battling to snatch our minds , bodies and even our very earthling wallets and souls.

    Keep watching the skies.

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