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This Week’s News Nuggets from the ELM Newsroom

BONG!

One strives to avoid clichés when one is writing for such cultured readers as you lot.

BONG!

And, when the central conceit of the article is a metaphysical newsroom, there’s one really obvious one that we should strive to avoid.

BONG!

And that is undoubtedly the ‘News at Ten’ style bell chimes at the start. It fails in the big/clever possibility axis and, frankly, has been done to death.

BONG!

But we couldn’t resist it.

Anyhoo, what, I hear you ask, is happening in the wide, wide world of rock? Oh. lots and lots. Here are a few of the stories which caught our eye;

From the ‘That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore’ category comes news of Britain’s favourite non-Pete Doherty tabloid druggie, Amy Winehouse. She has pleaded not guilty to assaulting a woman in central London last year. The 25-year-old singer appeared at Westminster magistrates court earlier this week to deny the charge, which relates to an alleged incident after a charity ball in September. Amy bravely decided that a unique and positive approach to getting off was to

a) turn up late and
b) be wearing a party frock.

Now, I know it’s suitably rock’n’roll to keep the audience waiting, but in this case it may well have been better to try to get them onside. Secondly, while she looked lovely, everybody knows you go sombre and sorrowful in front of the beaks. Amy may well have taken inspiration from Ian Brown, who turned up every day for his assault trial a few years back dressed in a hoodie and baggy jeans. May well be worth reminding they found him guilty and sent him down for six weeks at the end of it, mind.

Bob Dylan’s Malibu neighbours have complained about a smell coming from his Malibu mansion. Turns out it was not Bob rehearsing a full run-out of ‘Saved’, but rather a portable toilet. Can I get away with a Blowin’ in the Wind gag here? No? We’ll move on then.

The Stone Roses re-union looks unlikely after Ian Brown said rumours of it were ‘unfounded’ and John Squire, rather more directly, released a picture on his website of artwork which contained the words ‘I have no desire whatsoever to desecrate the grave of seminal Manchester pop group the Stone Roses 18.03.09’. See it at www.johnsquire.co.uk

The PRS has said that last year marked the first time that live music was worth more than recorded music. Been coming for a while that one, but with the live market seemingly starting to sag, we may see it change back the way. Or illegal downloading just run away with the prize, as seems ever more likely.

And finally….Slash is to make a record with an act from Britain’s Got Talent. The former Guns N’ Roses guitarist is to cover Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir with Simon Cowell’s classical quartet Escala. For anyone saying that long-term drug use doesn’t royally mess with your mind, laydeez and gennelmun of the jury, Exhibit A.

Good night, sleep tight and here’s Tom with the weather.

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