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Yes, We Can! – Optimistic Rock Hopes in the Obama Era

We are, in these isles, a cynical bunch. There are myriad factors behind this fact, but a fact it surely is. Yet even in Britain, one can detect the spreading of a little bit of optimism after last weeks US Election.

One week on, it still feels a tad surreal but no less amazing. That America could put aside it’s history and reject prejudice to elect a black man proves we live in special times; it proves that anything can happen.

I thought I’d take a moment to look at what could happen in music now that the glass ceiling has been shattered, now that the old rules don’t apply. This stuff will happen. I believe! *

(*I don’t.)

Madonna releases a new album and does not appear on the cover in her underwear.

Oasis release a new album which is universally hailed as being better than the first two.

Amy Winehouse marries Lembit Opik and renounces sex, drugs and rock’n’roll in favour of greener environmental policies and appearing in low-rent magazines discussing their love.

When asked his views on a pressing issue of the day, Bono replies ‘it’s not for me to judge. I really don’t want to ram my opinions down anyone’s throat.’

Bryan Ferry rejects his label’s overtures to release a Best Of.

Queen and Paul Rogers look at each other and say ‘seriously, what the fuck were we thinking?’

Robbie Williams finally faces up to it. You know what I’m talking about.

So does Morrissey.

Chris Martin sits through a whole interview without reacting in the same way as a Guantanamo Bay inmate undergoing waterboarding.

Glasvegas admit they were formed for a bet and donate all their earnings to the Proclaimers and the Jesus and Mary Chain.

The Bedingfields are found in a crack alley, smoking from a pipe and huddling against a dead rat for warmth.

The Verve realise what we all did a year ago and just give up.

A shite indie band from the 90’s announces a tour and doesn’t sell out mind-bogglingly big venues.

The Rolling Stones don’t tour.

An edition of Q Magazine contains a reviews section containing less than 25 four-star reviews.

George Michael refrains from humping unemployed builders in public parks for up to twenty minutes.

Slap bass becomes the next big thing and every club reverberates to the Seinfieldesque boinging.

Simon Le Bon is elected MP for Sedgefield after a close-run by-election. He gets in a platform of ‘Girls on film’.

Jo Whiley presents Glastonbury without mentioning ‘the vibe’ 876 times. On the first night.

Blaming him for the collapse of his marriage, Preston from The Ordinary Boys vows to hunt down and butcher Simon Amstell.

Goths cheer up.

Duffy makes a genuinely soulful album which in no way sounds like an ersatz 60’s album knocked up in 20 minutes by a cynical producer looking to fleece braindead halfwits out of a tenner in Tesco.

The religious rap movement meets the religious right movement to form the religious rap and right movement. Artists are sickened by their own albums and campaign successfully to have themselves banned from Wal-Mart, stating they are a danger to the youth of America.

All About Eve reform with Juliette Reagan replaced by Sarah Palin.

A politician is actually honest about what’s on his iPod rather than pretending to like the Arctic Monkeys.

Rod Stewart just fucks off and gives us all peace.

Hey, all these things could happen! Any others?

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6 Responses

  1. Definitely feeling optimistic 🙂 obama is the future and it is no longer a fnatasy. soon, the days of Bush and his idiocies, his daily speeches that make you laugh and cry at the same time (if you’re not toooo cynical!) will be long gone! can’t wait… http://www.spinwhip.com/obama

  2. I remember watching series 7 of The West Wing and wishing we lived in a time when a young, gifted Senator could come from nowhere to win the election because he is talented. And it did!

  3. I admire your optimism, but……

    Will Mark E Smith maintain a steady line up of The Fall?

    Will the grown up men who like Girls Aloud admit they’re gay rather than ironic?

  4. I know grown up men who like Girls Aloud in a very, very straight way. Especially the filthy looking Irish one. 🙂

  5. Walk into any city centre pub, approach a random group of females (avoiding arrest) and you’ll find one at least as stunning as any one from Girls Aloud. Munters for the most part. The Northern Irish one looks cross eyed and is the same colour as that dick who does antique stuff and is the same colour as the tables he tried to interest us in.

  6. She’s still eminiently haumpable.

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