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The Friday 5 – You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet Baby; 5 Current Musical No-Marks

What’s that coming over the hill? Why it’s the weekend! Yes, kicking off this weeks F5 with a line only marginally less stupid than the original lyric by The Automatic, we hope you’ve had a good week, because the world certainly did with the election results from the good ol’ US. So with this sense of optimism, our thoughts turned to today’s wittering.

But when one sits down to compose, when one is visited by one’s muse, it’s best simply to go with the flow. So instead of an article based on best political songs, or most exciting drummers, or nicest legs in pop (lady from The Zutons incidentally) what came this week was, well, these halfwits. This is not simply a list of talentless fucktards; this is a list of talentless fucktards who have somehow gained a modicum of success, a foothold in my consciousness that they had no damn right to. These are people elevated way, way above the level their medium talent should have brought them.

Johnny Borrell – Statistically the man most likely to disappear up his own arse, Razorlight’s main man is a charmless mix of conceit and ignorance all wrapped up in a too-tight white t-shirt and a dodgy charity shop jacket. When he first popped up on the scene, he at least had a couple of decent tunes (‘Stumble and Fall’, ‘Vice’) which made his ramblings about being better than Bob Dylan slightly amusing.

Then you realised he meant it.

From the moment the anaemic opening chords of ‘America’ dibbled out, it was difficult to suppress a desire to hunt him down and bash his onion-like head in with a rusty pike. The lyrics re-defined 6th form poetry crass stupidity, while the continuing interviews made you realise that yes, this chancer actually thinks what he is doing is important. A new album has arrived and with it he has been elevated to Snow Patrol status. Speaking of which….

Snow Patrol – I’m not going to have a go at this mob personally because they seem like decent lads, and they kept going in the face of public indifference to make it with their third album when many would have quit and gone to work in a bar. But musically?

Shoddy, U2-lite rock anthems by numbers. Emotional rock music for people who are scared of emotion. It’s very popular, but then so was syphilis and it still needed eradicated.

Joss Stone – Where do you begin? The awful, GMTV-style makeover? The fact she pisses all over soul’s foremothers who made some of the greatest music ever? That fucking accent?

Years ago, someone like Stone would have picked up, figuratively humped dry by Stock, Aitken and Waterman and then discarded to a world of pointless ‘celebrity’ afternoon quiz shows. She’d occasionally turn up in some Daily Mail Health section feature about PMT, but we’d pretty much be spared her. Not now. She’s winged her way to LA, surrounded herself with record company arses and somehow managed to eek out a place on US Radio, meaning we are stuck with her.

It isn’t right folks; it isn’t right.

Tom Chaplain – I’m not even going to waste my time ranting about Keane’s very own Keith Moon, because Simon Amstell on Never Mind The Buzzcocks said it better than I ever could – ‘It can’t be easy having an adult’s body and the head of a chubby infant.’

Katy Perry – It is apparently trendy to be a lesbian just now. Not a proper three-wheeler, you understand, with the Millie Tant boots and the Melissa Etheridge records, but to be a straight, attractive young girl who isn’t afraid of their sexuality and experiments.

Back on Planet Earth, this in fact actually means drunken attention-seeking arseholes bump lips for about 20 seconds and then take pictures to post on their MySpace pages to show the world just how, like, kerrrazy they are.

Into this mix comes pop amoeba Katy Perry, being all shocking and outrageous and singing about kissing a girl and liking it and we are all meant to be gobsmacked and it’s the most shocking thing ever, well, it was until Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand shagged Manuel from Fawlty Towers on air and then told his Grandad or something and STOP I WANT TO GET OFF.

Perry, you are a shameless, cynical fraud who has about 25 seconds of your 15 minutes left. Enjoy it, because in ten years time you’ll just be the Pink rip-off who sang that song about being a bit gay. Not much of a legacy, is it?

So folks, we are living in a world of fools, making us sad, when they all should let us be. We belong to you and me. But I’m sure you knew that already.

Enjoy your weekend troops.


4 Responses

  1. LOL. I want to get off too. Agreeed to almost all, throwing in Leon what’s his name from Wishaw, but I guess that’s a whole ‘nother piece. I do like Snow Patrol though so shoot me, 🙂

    Why did cds used to have little sleeves with lyrics in them – or rather – why do they no longer? Is it laziness, or is it just not cool to do it anymore?

    These posts are always better when you’re vitriolic about something or other, the hatred makes it flow nicely.

  2. Hey, I’m all about the love!

  3. Katy Perry is quite fit, mind you.

  4. That’s the shaky foundation upon which all shite pop music is built on. I’m dissapointed in you Swineshead. 😉

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