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Doing it for Charity

Music, with its unrivalled power to inspire, to disseminate information and to convey ideas and channel energy, has always been an easy bedfellow with activism. Love Music/Hate Racism is a great cause, the grandchild of Rock Against Racism, and it has always had a huge crossover of artists keen to be involved. Similarly, AIDS Charities have always had the patronage of musicians (posthumously, in Freddie Mercury’s case, though he did a fair amount for the spread of the actual disease while he was alive.) Free Tibet has benefitted from the services of The Beastie Boys and Bjork, while Bono floats around, looking for charities he can help with his curious mixture of heartfelt gravitas and intense smugness. ELM raises its hat to all.

However, ELM would also like to suggest that some charities, possibly without the profile of others, could do with assistance from some of the great-and-good glitterati out there to. Here are a few ideas;

Battersea Dogs Home – How difficult must it be when no-one wants you? You’ve been kicked to the kerb. You’re yesterday’s news. You remember the days when you were fresh-faced, when you were loved, when people loved to see you perform. You’d happily gnaw away on a bone for hours, and loved nothing more than nuzzling a friendly crotch or two. So, who better than to empathise with the is predicament than the Spice Girls? Much beloved in their young days, puppy fat swinging in the breeze, now simply a dribbling embarrassment to their owners.

Help the Aged – One day, we will all be old. Smelling of piss, eating dog food and remembering when it were all fields around here, that will happen to us all. One day, you are the King of all you survey, the next, simply a brittle-boned, grey-haired curmudgeon queueing outside the post office from 3am every Tuesday morning and hiding your worthless old knick-knacks in teapots. But that doesn’t worry me, I’ll be fucking insane by then. no, it’s that lead-up period when you die your hair, wear clothes far too young for you and fall for the charms of ropey looking bints in their forties who symbolise glamour to your desperate old ego. Who protects us from that? Well, step up Sir Paul McCartney, your people need you! Benefitting from the venerable old thumbers recent travails, millions of us will sleep sounder knowing we won’t spunk our dignity up a charlatan.

The Royal Lifeboat Society – Too obvious to say Rod Stewart, so I’ll suggest Beth Ditto, who has to be buoyant. She seems a nice, caring girl, so I’m sure she’d be keen to be deployed into difficult seas to help unfortunate sailors who’ve hit disaster. ‘Ahoy, me hearties, fear no more! Oi spot a Ditto approaching port side!’

Shelter – Fran Healy out of Travis. With his piss-stained looks and toothless grin, I suspect Fran is no stranger to eating out of bins and wazzing in doorways. And surely him  looking like a tramp will help him to speak their language?

World Wildlife Fund – Gotta be Ian Brown here, hasn’t it? King of the Swingers, Jungle VIP. He’s reached the top, and had to stop and, erm, hasn’t been near it in years. Monkeyboy could help us all love the animals more. Who wouldn’t want that?

We thank all the above for putting their necks on the line!


2 Responses

  1. “Ring-piece” , which you all probably know ,is a charity set up to support haemorrhoid sufferers should be sponsored by Mick Ronson or Gary Glitter.

  2. Didn’t Mick Ronson leave us a while back?

    As for Gary Glitter….it was all circumstantial. 🙂

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