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When I Am King, You Will Be First Against The Wall

A issue which often vexes me, dear reader, concerns what will happen immediately after my benign dictatorship assumes power of the Good Ship Great Britain. No, not the economy, which is headed to the toilet anyway. No, not Iraq, as the love-child of Albert Einstein and Kofi Annan couldn’t figure that one out. A much more pressing, much more interesting question; who will be first against the wall?

There are so many targets. You know by now ELM’s policy on easy targets; we love ’em. So they are all in the running obviously. But then, the others….the sacred cows, the currently-trendy, the so-now-it-hurts, well, they ain’t out of the woods, let me tell you. So, to help me get my head together, I have compiled a list of my top suspects and ask for your considered advice. I am comfortable that all of these people have committed crimes against music deserving of the ultimate sanction; a presenting job on VH1.

Johnny Borrell – Loathesome, loathesome frontman with strangely-popular 80’s copyists Razorlight. It was the execrable ‘America’ which catapulted him up the ladder, a song so vile….well, the only comparable image I have for it is a drunken policeman defecating on a Chelsea pensioner in the front row of the Wimbledon final while Terry Wogan gags into his wife’s hat. Add to that the fact that Borrell genuinely thinks he is better than Dylan – that’s Bob, not the Magic Roundabout character – and you can see why he is a frontrunner. (And, for the record, he is NOT better than Dylan from the Magic Roundabout.)

Mark Ronson – Whinnying little shit of a man who is so handsome he makes me want to punch my ugly head until it’s virtually unrecognisable as a human entity while I sob at how unfair it all is. His cover of ‘Stop Me If You Think That You’ve Heard This One Before’ has to be illegal under some statute. How can you fuck up a Smiths song? Cack-handed bugger!

Joss Stone – Just a by-word for cringing awfulness. White soul singers from Devon going to America is one thing, but then developing a fake accent and, ahem, freestyling over the end of the Band Aid record in 2004 elevated her to exalted arsehole status. Always sounded to me that she was trying to coax out a particularly recalcitrant #2 during her more energetic numbers. Not ideal on any level, that.

Bono – Too many reasons. Far, far too many reasons. Almost tempted to give him some credit for remaining so hateable for so long. And I don’t mind some of U2’s music (1991-1997.) But his sheer, unshrinkable faith in his own fannyness earns him a place on the shortlist. Which is apt, as it’s clear he’s only 4ft 2″ and has a tiny cock.

Adele – Clearly only here due to the British press looking for a British Ditto, at least the bold Beth had some original ideas and things to say. This is simply a big bitch singing this season’s sound and marketed at you to death by cynical coke-snorting record company execs. With depressingly dreary predictability, some of the more easily led press hyped her, not getting that patronisingly plugging the fat lass because she is a fat lass makes you worse than the likes of me who make unfunny, reactionary gags based on her flab. Disappearing now. Sadly replaced by….

Duffy – Indeed you do got me begging you for Mercy. In fact, I’m begging you just to fuck off and leave me alone, you Fisher Price Amy Winehouse, you.

The Bloke out Of Maroon 5 – Jay Kay sensibly realised that if you want to be a White Stevie Wonder, you have to be a colossal prick. He just about got away with it, because he was such an unbelievably bad Stevie, you didn’t get bothered by it. Not this one though. he’s not even ironic with it. Take your frighteningly shit versions of Stevie Lite and do not darken our door again!

The NME Writer Who Said That Glasvegas were Better Than The Wombats – When it’s obvious to anyone with a modicum of hearing that they are BOTH shite. (See what I did there Glasvegas? I got in a Scottish pronunciation of a word! If I stick on a Mary Chain song in the background, I’ve pretty much encapsulated your whole career there.)

Devendra Banhart – Dirty Hippy Bastard. Have a wash, have a shave and get a job. More in need of being strapped to a chair and made to listen to The Clash than any Westerner in History. His view of freedom makes me long for totalitarianism.

Richey Edwards – Just so, y’know…closure is healthy.

So, a few contenders there and, as usual, I await your responses with enthusiasm. I know how patient you all are, and certainly, if I’ve been too harsh, you will reprimand me. Well, maybe not. Pile in!


38 Responses

  1. Devendra’s alright. Well – he’s mostly a bit dull but Cripple Crow has its moments.

    You missed Ting Tings off the list by the way.

  2. My fantasies involving having Katie White up against a wall involve a totally different type of shooting.

    You know that all of us at ELM are hopeless Ting Ting fans.

    And you must agree with me that hippies are scum?! You are far too cynical!

  3. Good lord. With the execption of the Katie White quote agreed to all. Particularly Joss Stone maaaaan, yeah! Please.

    I’d include Pete Docherty simply because he makes me want to turn myself inside out and have a wire brush and dettol bath. Eurgh. (shudder)

    Nickelback – only because I’d make them rhyme their way out of shooting range…the only plea is a rhyming plea.

    Also June Sarpong. I know she’s not in music per say but, hey. Just because.

  4. The NME Writer Who Said That Glasvegas were Better Than The Wombats

    Why stop at one? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. Jo Wiley – self satisfied c*** of the highest order.
    Ting Tings – the Emperor is stark naked.
    Coldplay – ‘music must mean something’. Why? The Ramones are brilliant and don’t mean anything.

  6. I’m going to have to research this Jo Wiley phenomenon. Everyone I’ve questioned hates her! Passionately. the woman barely registers on my radar, if at all, what is this? I know who she is – but what is it that elicits such emotion? ๐Ÿ™‚ Have I missed an absolutely royal opportunity to redirect my all consuming rage at June Sarpong?

  7. That fucking cunt out of the streets. Look, I can talk over music! About how much of a twat I am! So can Steve Wright, mate, and that makes him a cunt as well.

  8. Jo Whiley is so loathed because she has the most inverse sense of self regard to talent of anyone, ever.

    The Streets are pretty loathesome. can’t understand why they get away with it while everyone (rightly) despises Lily Allen.

    All NME writers are cunts LO? Harsh. But fair. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Richard Ashcroft. The Verve were a genuinly interesting band, mostly down to Nick McCabe’s guitar, until they decided the drugs don’t work (except to get you to number one) and turned into a U2 tribute band.

    And that display at Glastonbury? Mate, you are now middle aged, and wearing shades at midnight is just wrong. Now put your bony torso away and don’t begrudge singing the songs that got you on that stage in the first place. Twat.

  10. Ooh, I’m on a roll. The Eavis’s. If it wasn’t bad enough that the BBC had to justif thier huge investment in filming the whole bloody thing by including “the history of Glastonbury” vignettes, Radio 6 actually described the moustacheless prick as a “farmer”. No he’s not, he is a mulit-millionaire music festival organiser that keeps some cows for a bit a wheeze.

    Let’s not pretend the 15 foot security fence is for people’s safety, when it is actually there to make crusty’s save up 5 month’s worth of child benefit to come and smoke weed in a field.

  11. Agree with the Eavises. That beard of his is sinister.

    Also agree with June Sarpong. Pointless woman.

    And The Ramones ARE brilliant. They aren’t actually dead, they’ve just been frozen and we will spend billions when I am ruler to work out how to re-animate them. 1-2-3-4!

  12. Kasabian. I thought I was cynical, but stealing a peadophile’s act and claiming it as your own is as low as it gets. Children listen to that music, and that’s jsut anotehr form of child abuse if you ask me, so they willb e shot for being twats and kiddy-diddlers.

  13. Paolo Nutini. Dwarf on mogadon.

  14. ahahaha! telling, that one of the blogs with the most posts is one inviting us to list our most hated…. it’s healthy I guess…. lol

    Michael Bolton bothers me, but I don’t know why exactly…Karen Carpenter is another one. There sre so many. I asked around this morning and the majority said Led Zep which really bothered me, as these guys have otherwise decent taste… I think I am alone in this office on this. hmm.

  15. 1.The Killers. Mormons and duran duran soundalikes. And not in a good way.
    2. Lenny Kravitz. One man crusade to make seventies rock shite for a new generation. Succeeded.
    3. Will Young. Played at Glastonbury. I think this says more about Glasto than him, mind.
    4. Jamie T. Ok mate, you’re fuckin neurotic. Get some help. And stop making records.
    5. Suggs. Madness were for the neds at my school, the cool guys liked the Specials. On every TV advert possible. Fuck off cockney geezer.
    6 Dave Stewart and Annie Lennox. For fuckin years this pair got an award at the Brits. “Best Female Vocalist” blah blah. Best fuck all, mate. And he’s an egotistical wee cunt, too.
    7. Craig Finn out of The Hold Steady………..ha nearly had you there, ELM. Actually, no, he IS a cunt.

  16. I can take people having a different opinion on The Hold Steady.

    No i can’t. Yellow card Whippet!

  17. HW,
    1. Spot on – at least the osmonds had crazy horses and the teeth.
    2. Crotch stuffing is blatant false advertising
    3. Glasto was nothing more than a glorified radio 1 roadshow this year. Fact.
    4. And Just Jack. Christ, he stole his name off Will and Grace, FFS.
    5. Agreed. And who has a house in the middle of a street?! Surely its on the side like all the others?
    6. The amount of brits she has only points the dire state of British music. Mind you, now it’ll be all KT Tunstall and fat Adele. No bloody wonder jesus wept. And poor Dave had paradise syndrome. Didn’t give away any of the cash though. He’s getting shot in the balls then the face. Then the balls again.
    7. Don’t get ELM angry, you won’t like him when he’s angry.

  18. No, I’m a cunt when I’m pleasant, when I’m angry I’m pure Hitler.

  19. every single person who has entered X- factor ( and similar t.v ” talent ” shows.

    every single person who has been a judge/panel member on above shows.

    every single person who has picked up the phone to vote/participate.

    every single person who has worked on said shows in any capacity ( although pleas for clemency citing significant mitigating circumstances will be heard in this instance , before sentance is carried out anyway )

  20. Without X Factor, Dusty, we wouldn’t have….I get your point!

  21. Re Bono – my own pet hate so v happy to see he was on your list. Big fave in my house is the story of him at Hampden, stopping singing and clicking fingers over music, saying, “Every time I click my fingers, a child in Africa dies.” Weegie concert goer’s response, “Well, stop fucking doing it then.”
    Bono, if I want to be made to feel guilty about every single thing I do, think, buy, wear etc etc, I’ll read Lucy Siegle in the Guardian, ya bas!


    I’d like to pull her, pull out after a few seconds and spunk on her hemp bra, before taking a shit on her carpet and calling the biggest fucking cab I could to drive 0.2 miles.

  23. Christ… I disagree with a fair few suggestions here… but that is the spirit of democracy. If I started listing mine, we’d be here all day.

  24. All boy bands. Why the British public continue to like them is a mystery to me!

    Also, rock bands who don’t rock very hard.

  25. Norman cook has to be in the running?!

  26. oh Norman fucking Cook, yeah, what a twat. Made a career out of playing records and waving his hands in the air. And Zoe Ball was shagging his mate after about 10 mins of marriage. She’s a candidate for 2oz of lead to the napper, too, methinks. Paul Heaton shuld go round and kick Normans head in.

  27. Paul Heaton is a dude. Not much into his music….for obvious reasons….but he seems a good bloke.

    carol Decker from T’Pau. No wonder someone in her band spunked on her clothes.

  28. stock,aitken and waterman.

    “Especially for you ” – as it were – I`ll do them together as a job lot, only charge you for one ?

  29. They did write ‘Love In The First degree’ by Bananarama. That’s gotta count for something?

  30. i know this post is getting a trifle long in the tooth now, but afte watching coverage of T In The Park las niht, I hereby nominate the hideously irritating Amy MacDonald.
    Ok, she’s from Bishopbriggs…..where the fuck did the Oirish accent come from? And she’s an ugly fat wee fucker, too.
    No songs, no lyrics, no presence, and her band sucked the big ‘un too. The word of music has gone mad that this pish gets a record deal.
    The coverage had about 30 minutes of her last night, including acoustic version of springsteens’s “Dancing In The Dark” (possibly his worst song) and “interview” which basically consisted of her going “Keeewl” and “amaaaazing” at every opportunity. Not helped by the moronic interviewer right enough, some bint with Siouxsie hair. Anyway, Amy needs fucking shot, thats my point.

  31. http://extremelisteningmode.com/2008/03/27/amy-fucking-macdonald-the-kooks-janes-addiction-and-child-abuse/

    ELM’s opinion on MacDonald.

    There will be a full article on the awfulness of the T in the Park coverage later. Friends of Vic Galloway, look away.

  32. amy mcdonal,its just the way of the world ; kt kuntstall has some hits therefore record company must market a further version of the same shite.

  33. See also Amy Winehouse begat Duffy begat Adele.

    And people wonder why record companies are going tits up…..

  34. …..and that song “This is The Life/Loif” is the tune of “Big In japan” by some 80’s group. I really fuckin hate her.

  35. Whippet – you are eight, or as Amy would say, ‘roight’. What’s with the fake Irish accent, to be sure?

    And she wrote a song called ‘Footballer’s Wife’ calling all footballer’s wives arseholes, and is, of course, now marrying a footballer.

  36. pete townsend – he is so far up his own arse that he has turned himself inside out and disappeared , leaving behind a small brown circle that people often innocently mistake for a stain from a coffee cup.

  37. Still can’t believe he got off with it.

  38. Got off with what …… ? writing ” the kids are alright ” or “pictures of Lily ” ????

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