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The Friday 5 – Are They Really Going Out With Them?

So, the sun is over the yardarm and it’s five o’clock somewhere. We are back once again on the hallowed turf that is Friday and all the promise that it brings with it. I hope you have had a good week, ELM hopes that we played a small yet, let’s not underplay it here, hugely significant role in getting you from the despair of Monday through to what is sure to be a joyous weekend. Unless you work weekend shifts, in which case we apologise and hope you’ll forgive us.

Rapidly becoming as quintessentially British a tradition as the Last Night of the Proms and racist cab drivers, ELM proudly brings you the latest instalment in our Friday 5’s section. today we look at the worst partners in the history of music and, with our usual Onionesque level of satirical wit, call them names. Enjoy.

Meg Matthews – During Oasis’ glory days of the mid-90’s Matthews was a ubiquitous and grating presence in most newspapers and magazines of the time. A sort of proto-WAG, she had the fake tits but not the looks. Was Noel’s hard drinking life partner through the coke days, until he stopped the gear and realised what a graceless, shopping-addicted, vainglorious arsehole she was. Incredibly once said ‘I’ve worked very hard to get where I am today.’ No, really. By that definition love, so did Heidi Fleiss, and at least she was honest about it.

Yoko Ono – The Grandmother of the scene, frankly. Not much to write about the Japanese performance artist, except she was cannier than she let on (announcing to friends at a dinner party ‘I’ve bagged a Beatle’ not long after consummating her relationship with Lennon) and she had a bush you could lose a badger in, if the cover of ‘Two Virgins’ is anything to go by. Idealist hippy bullshit – which, to be fair, all hippy ideas are – became cynically more careerist as years went on (it may be ‘an apple floating in perfume floating in a mans hat’ as the Simpsons brilliantly parodied her, but she charges a fortune to see or own it.) Did she break up the Beatles? No more than Paul. A talented artist who’d have prospered without the association? No more than Ringo.

Bobby Brown – Remember 80’s Whitney? Man, that was a fine young lady. Gorgeous, an undeniably  superb voice and ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ as perfect a pop statement as made in that decade. And then she met the washed-up New Edition poseur, and it’s been one long ride down since. Drugs, public battles, allegations of abuse and infidelity, it’s like she decided to go down the Edith Piaf route to premature immortality. except the whole thing was so grubby, tabloid and sordid that no-one cared. Truly a marriage made in Hell.

Nancy Spungeon – The archetypal whiny American, Spungeon arrived in the late 70’s determined to get involved with a Sex pistol. Initially rebuffed by John Lydon, who sensibly wanted nothing to do with her, she instead glommed onto the moronic psuedo-bass player Sid Vicious and started one of the most doomed romances of all time. introducing him to heroin, the two became a public freakshow until the night that he stabbed her to death in New York. She became the poster girl for self-reverential ‘fucked up’ US Rock Chicks. Speaking of whom….

Courtney Love – We’ve all heard the rumours and, all we are saying here at ELM is that we wouldn’t put it past her.

Blake Fielder-Civil nearly made it, the addled twat toff nancy who fancies himelf as a modern day Raffles. And we didn’t even mention Heather Fucking Mills, as the woman is so loathsome it would soil our esteemed site to do so. We won’t break our rule about not making fun of disableds, even for her. So there.

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One Response

  1. Question; is Meg matthews still going out with Simon jordan? He’s claimimg credit for The Specials reunion.

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