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Great DJ? No, Absolutely Fucking Awful, Actually

Following on from yesterday’s radio rant, it seemed apposite to have a little trawl through memory lane and remember with fondness some of the best-loved DJ’s of days gone past. But as it basically amounted to John Peel and currently Mark Radcliffe, we thought we’d get tore into the flotsam and jetsam who somehow contrived to earn money from gullible stations for years. Steve Wright is exempted due to having already had an article dedicated to his uselessness (see the Friday 5’s Section);

Dave Lee Travis – A strange mixture of idiocy and arrogance, ‘The Big Hairy Cunt’ was a staple on BBC Radio for decades. A man for whom ‘Baker Street’ was a tad too punk, he seemed most happy when dressing up in ‘zany’ costumes and dicking about with other DJ’s when hosting Top of the Pops. Indeed, it seemed the music only really served to break up DLT’s links and not the other way round. Memorably resigned live on air in 1992, and you could sense his utter disbelief that this didn’t prompt a run on the pound and questions in Parliament. A few sad performances on Noel’s House Party and he was gone, a flashback to an era where having a rancid personality was a prerequisite for a TV career.

Mike Read – A colossal cock of a man, for some reason the BBC felt that this man would somehow appeal to children. Famously banned ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, thus ensuring it would be Number 1 for the entire summer. Has spent years trying to do something, anything but has not achieved any success whatsoever. Simple, overwhelming reason; you aren’t any good at anything. Just give up.

Jono Coleman – Well done for getting in here, because it is accepted that most Commercial Radio Station DJ’s are beyond dreadful anyway. But this Antipodean arsehole really did deserve to be here. Along with moronic sidekick ‘Russ’ (a name more commonly associated with fannies than thrush, frankly) they spent the mid-90’s performing a breakfast show which was the equivalent of listening to two homeless person wheezing capstan and methylated spirit flavoured air over you for two hours. For people who find Jeremy Clarkson just too damn subtle, he made it clear that the scope of his ambition was daytime TV. Disappeared from view thankfully at the turn of the century.

Chris Moyles – Very successful, but then again, so was Napalm and it didn’t neccessarily make it a good thing, did it? The 21st century DLT, Moyles and his gang of moderately inoffensive simpletons make music for 15-21 year old van drivers. Displaying the wit and charm of a mentally defective paedophile, Moyles brand of lairy, lazy nothingness has struck a chord with this generation, which I think says more about them than words ever could. An exchange I once heard between him and his sidekick ‘Comedy’ Dave (about as ill-fitting a nickname as naming Cliff Richard ‘Shagger’) ended in Moyles actually using the phrase ‘that was so funny, your face was like this’ and followed by a long silence. It then occurred to me that he was actually pulling the face on air. No, no and thrice no.

Jo Whiley – Jo Whiley is a champion of new music. honestly. You know the Automatic? Sure you do, shite novelty rock band the NME don’t even like, had that song ‘Monster’. Well, without Jo, they wouldn’t have got any airplay. And I’m sure it was pure coincedence that they are managed by her husband. Patronising, pointless, a shameless egotist and frankly, getting too old for this shit, Whiley is like Janice Long, except hateable and never having knowingly played a good record without someone brighter than her telling her to do so. I’m convinced she eats her own faeces because she thinks if she’s produced it it MUST be good. A completely talent free zone, one can pretty much guarantee she’ll be on MTV every advert break shilling every vaguely guitarish band she can get her grubby voiceover on.

There are so many others, I know, but just a wee Wednesday snapshot for you to get your teeth into. And boy, do they deserve it. A DJ who doesn’t like music is the worst sort of careerist. And I doubt any one of the above owns more than six CD’s!

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9 Responses

  1. Having been subjected to Radio 1 for a reasonable portion of Sunday afternoon, it appears that the double-act twats they now employ to entertain our youth have to only do 3 things:

    1) Have been oon a mildly successful kids TV show at some point itn eh last two years (Fern n’ Reggie, Dick n’ Dom, etc etc.); and,
    2) Be able to read inane texts from their listeners out between songs.
    3)Enthuse at great length at the latest chart hit/festival/hip band/novelty video that the BBC has decided to bestow its good grace upon.

    No advertising on the BBC? Give me a break. In a 1 hour portion of the chart show, around 25 minutes were devoted to the brilliance that was…wait for it…the download festival at donington park. And the only thing they could find to play to their listeners that wouldn’t offend their lickle RnB lovin’ ears was Biffy Clyro playing an acoustic version of AC/DC’s ‘Shook Me All Night Long’.

    Still it was better than hearing about glastonbury again. Did any of you know there’s a twat farmer with half a beard puts on a festival in his fields every year? And of the Beeb are to be believed, he does it out of the kindness of his heart. Well, so says 6 music, which is why I had to listen to radio 1 on sunday – I had destroyed my digital radio.

  2. I actually only listen to 5 Live in the car now as I hate all radio djs.I drive a lot in my job, so its nice to listen to a wee discourse on Prime Ministers Q’s or Mark Kermode ranting about what films are shite amongst that week’s releases. He’s great, he hates everything, ” it’s shit until proven otherwise”, kinda attitude. I like that. It’s refreshing.

  3. You mean Mike Read, surely – not Frank Butcher? I’d have listened to Mike Reid doing radio, god rest his soul.

  4. “Wunawound, kids, noooooowwww!”

  5. PAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYTTTTT!!!!!!!!

  6. I do indeed mean Mike Read. I have amended and apologise. Ya smartarse!

    Kermode has his moments, but is let down by not liking the Sopranos.

  7. I dont really listen to music radio exept by occasional accident anymore;
    It used to be a place where new ( to me ) music could be searched out,paradoxically these days there seems to be more music being made but less available to air for the interested to hear.

  8. Sorry, in the abovecomment I said ” paradoxically”, when what I meant to say was ” fucking annoyingly”

  9. Thanks for teh clarification!

    DJ’s don’t have to be annoying, they just choose to IMHO….

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