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Euro 2008 – The Musical Tournament

As you all know, ELM is a football free zone. But, as all the home nations are out and no-one from North America or Australasia can win it, I thought we’d take this opportunity to look at some of the greatest music that mainland Europe has brought us over the years. Yes, it’s a poor and flimsy excuse to laugh at funny foreigners, but hey, they are all there and we are stuck on the outside looking in, so fair’s fair!

Holland – 2 Unlimited.

‘Techno Techno Techno’. That was their catchphrase. Yes, the frighteningly big sound of the early 90’s, they seldom get the credit they deserve for their nihilistic masterpiece ‘No Limits’ which contained the following line ‘no, no, no no no no, no, no, no no, no no THERE’S NO LIMITS!’ That’s punk, that. Actually, they were shite, pre-Happy hardcore splats of greasy keyboards before that bird with the huge melons started warbling on. And speaking of huge melons….

Italy – Sabrina.


Famous round the world for her magnificently trite 89 hit ‘Boys’, Sabrina’s success was in NO WAY AT ALL down to the fact that she had giant jugs and spent most of the video with nipples you could land a plane on in a swimming pool. And you would be a sexist pig and a music snob if you said it was. She followed it with, erm, a spread for Italian Playboy and then decided to become a serious actress in her homeland. Of course.

Sweden – Abba.

Time has been good to Abba, and you can’t deny the pop majesty of certain songs. pissed-up girls crying in nightclubs because they have been humped and dumped unceremoniously have ruined ‘Dancing Queen’ for everyone, mind you. But it’s a hard heart which doesn’t like ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’.

Germany – David Hasselhoff.

Okay, so he’s not technically German, but he is everything everyone identifies with German men. The Hoff genuinely believes he was responsible for the fall of the Berlin Wall thanks to his 1989 hit ‘Freedom’. Think about that for a second. Says Germany kept him afloat financially in the late 90’s or he would have sunk from public view. Not the worse crime the Germans have committed against society, obviously…..but a black mark nonetheless.

Spain – Las Ketchup.

They did the ‘Ketchup Song’. Every year, pissed up Brits descend on Spain, hear shite in discos and somehow decide that to rekindle their memories of their glorious trip they will buy an appalling record they heard in a shady bar at 3am in some desperate resort whilst the waiter tried to bang their missus in the ladies loo. Then foisted upon us, the long-suffering British public when it inevitably goes to number1. Why can’t they invoke quarantine laws on this turgid bobbins?

So, while we may not be at The Euros, we Brits and Irish can be proud of our music. After all, Del Amitri, Tom Jones, Daniel O’Donnell, 5ive….actually, wait a minute! Turns out we may just be as bad as the rest. Well, screw it, pass me a Heineken and a Best of Boney M CD. If you can’t beat ’em……

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8 Responses

  1. Which one of you dug that Hoff photo out of his private collection? 😀

  2. That would be the work of a Wookie!

    Frightening.

  3. Yes it was me that posted that Hoff pic, but i scanned it from a calendar that was hanging above your desk…….

    As far as i can remember that was september.

    What was really frightening is that june was Richard Dean Anderson wearing nothing but a smile and a swiss army knife.

  4. did everyone on this calendar sport a mullet ?

  5. To be honest, those Las Ketchup women somehow manage to be even more disturbing. An impressively scary feat!

  6. I think it was a an 80’s mullet review calendar. You’ll really need to ask Mr. ELM himself, after all he looks at it every day.

    I also though those ketchup girls were a bit on the scary side too. still…….

  7. Say what you like about the hoff, but that’s some set of puppies he’s got there.

    (do you see what I did there??Hmm?Hmm?)

  8. The hoff is so fuckin awful I hear those German chaps torn down a big ass wall just to get away from him!

    2 unlimited, think I’ve already waxed lyrical about my love for them.

    Abba, the palindromes of pop (which is also one, fuck me, they’re everywhere!)
    Sadly their brand of audio frippery has been hijacked by a zillion blooters and ‘screaming queen’ types…serious dude, big deal your gay, we get it, why fucking prance about like an eejit, you give stereotypes a bad name.

    Sabrina…classic style over substance….naturally I have all her records stucks together in a corner of my hovel 😉

    Las Ketchup, if you go to Spain on holiday with all the other giro toting human slime, you deserve them, for you ARE their market.

    So at the risk of raising the tone, my Euro 2008 playlist reads –

    Holland (Coparck)

    France (Daft Punk)

    Germany (Ulrich Schnauss)

    Austria (Kruder & Dorfmeister)

    Sweden (Jose Gonzalez)

    Italy (Pavorotti)

    Spain (Andres Segovia)
    They gave us Spanish/flamenco guitar for fuck sake, some of that shits awesome!

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