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The Friday 5 – Blatant Breaches of Gig Etiquette

Well, finger my funnel if we haven’t arrived back at Friday. Ah, Friday, rich with promise and verve, all the colours of the ‘bow shine brightly as we contemplate the world in all it’s beauty. Or go to the pub and get pissed at least. This weekend promises to be a belter indeed. ELM gets to split its time between gigs and football, which is pretty much a golden weekend (not caring who wins at football; just that we all have an excuse to start drinking in the afternoon.) But the gig part is what has inspired this weeks FF….acceptable rules of behaviour at gigs. Now, I’m not a spoilsport. Oh, okay, I am. But there is a difference between getting right into a gig, enjoying yourself ferociously and being a complete dickwit and ruining it for others. Gentlemen, in a crabby, nebby special we present…the gig rules which must be observed on pain of death.

1. Talking during quiet songs – Now, if you are there to see AC/DC, fuck me, it’s loud. Have a yap. But don’t go to see Sigur Ros, wait until the quietest moment of the most ethereal beautiful song then turn round and tell your mate about something funny that happened at work that day and start giggling. It’s juvenile. Go outside for a fag. Give the rest of us peace. Don’t make me wish bad aids on you.

2. Bar-jumping – Unforgiveable. We are British. We queue, and we queue with honour, dammit. We will wait for ten minutes and miss our favourite songs to pay prices the equivalent of a barrel of oil for some over-priced, warm Interbrew generic lager. We do not expect some ferret-faced fucker to nip in front of us at that point and then order thity-four cocktails. This deserves a shoeing. And no court in the land would convict.

3. Shouting ‘amusing’ things at the bands between songs – Oh, Lord. You aren’t funny. You just aren’t. No-one in the hall came to see you. Go to an open mic night and wow the crowd then. Do not cause a supremely talented band to lose momentum trying to deal with your comedy stylings which are incomprehensible and, frankly, boring. You fucking loser.

4. Fat people crowd surfing – I’m sorry guys, but while it’s great that you are not caught up in some flagrantly unrealistic body-fascist mess and you are proud to like pies, it’s just…I don’t want to be supporting your enormous carcass and wondering if my hands are wet with your sweaty dewflap juice. Stand in one place. have a dance, it will add to the bass feeling through the floor. But come on lardarses of the world – obey gravity.

5. Waiting till the last song before moving to the front – If you have wallflowered , loitered around the bar during the new tracks and then fuck off up the front for the big hit, then you are scum on the same level as Wife Swap contestants. The people down the front have shown commitment. You have not. If you do it to me, I will punch you in the kidneys and spill beer on you as you fall. And I will feel no remorse.

Well, we are somewhat hamstrung with the Friday 5 as it’s a self-evident truth that we must stop at 5. I’m sure our beloved readers can add some more…..

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5 Responses

  1. Ladies and trannies, no moshing in heels please. I don’t want crucified feet!

    Don’t load up on sprouts before a gig then spend it dropping wolfbait, we all need to breathe.

    Thou shall not spill my warm pint with thee exbuerant mongoloid fits of movement. I’m in a quiet spot for a reason.

    If you must wear a football shirt or shellsuit to a gig, please make sure its an absorbant type for all the blood you’ll be shedding.

  2. As usual, some fine advice there from Chucky. Particularly agree with the football tops thing. Now, I’m as bitter and twisted about soccerball as the next man, but a gig is a place for communality, for a sense of community. A football top is marking out your differences. As for people who bring tops or scarves and throw them up to the act – what sad people you are.

  3. If there is a space in front of me during a gig its because i and the people around me have decided to respect one another’s personal space and try to give each other room to watch the band in comfort. I am not marking out a path through the audience, like some belisha beacon for fuckwits.

  4. I seem to remember a certain individual from around these parts who used to be terrible for queue jumping at bars……

  5. “No Smoking” has been a ,if not the, major etiquette breach ;

    damn your eyes to hell, smoking a fag while watching a gig is just ……….right.

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