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Loathe Them Or Hate Them – Stars Who Exist To Enrage

‘It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind’

The Smiths – I Know It’s Over (1986)

And it is. It is the easiest thing in the world. And I hate doing difficult things, so here we go by poking fun at the soft targets. It’s not big, it’s certainly not clever, but it’s strangely satisfying, like forcing loose a bit of food caught in your teeth using only your tongue or successfully holding the bomb doors closed until you get home from work, thus granting oneself the rich and pleasurable sensation of your own choice of loo roll as opposed to the paper grater favoured by most employers. It’s one of life’s little marvels, one of the things that help us get out of bed every morning. So here we go; a group of deeply hateable acts surely foisted on us as punishment for The Band, Rickenbackers and Northern Soul.

George Michael – I’m not silly enough to deny that this is a talented man, but seriously, what a complete walloper. Clearly gay as a blade, decided to hide it as it might upset his Mum, thus shoving back Gay Rights to pre-legalisation times. Gets caught having a Barclays in a public toilet and suddenly he’s the bastard son of Liberacé and Peter Tatchell. As if that wasn’t enough, has decided to become a ‘political’ songwriter (a task which even the greatest of lyricists can fudge.) So far, has treated us to such nuggets as , well, George Bush and Tony Blair were a right pair for taking us into war. That’s just great, George…did you think of it all on your own? Gold Star for the Greek lad! Serious contender for least likeable pop star ever. Now hangs about parks hoping for illicit sex with unemployed fiftysomethings, according to the News of the World. Your mother must be so proud!

Jessica Simpson – Say what you like about Britney Spears, but she’s never less than entertaining and I’ve spent many a happy hour poring over that photoshoot she did in her school uniform in 1999 (to gain better understanding of her lyrics, you understand.) Christina Aguilera, for all her flaws, can sing the arse off of a song. But Miss Simpson….for people who find Disney films just too damn rude. Add to that a singular lack of musical drive (she’d sing the phonebook if her producer told her to) and a reality show which made Peter and Jordan’s look like Zefferelli’s ‘Romeo & Juliet’ then she absolutely deserves her place in the armoury of arseholes.

Nickelback – Oh God. Is there anything worse than a band with neither a heavy nor light touch, instead a middling nothing band with all the lustre of a three day old custard dish? ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’ by Lordi is more metal than this. At least Status Quo knew they were a bit ropey and played at it. Chad Kroeger and his Brotherhood of Evil take themselves more seriously than a gathering of Art Critics at a Damien Hirst installation. It’s as vital as the X Factor, as rock as Kylie, as punk as cheese and onion crisps. Low-fat crisps at that. Pathetic.

Chris de Burgh – An odd little bloke, this. Never knowingly less than pompous, he has achieved massive, puzzling success. Weirdly, his music seems influnced less by classic acts than by the fag-end era of shite British cabaret, as if he never really got all that Beatles and Stones shit and only really got interested when the Moody Blues came along. He’s a creepy little cunt as well, sort of a pygmy masturbating while sticking his finger up his arse. I often thought he wrote ‘Lady in Red’ as a soundtrack to accompany images of him hacking innocent women to death in his mind. Not right. Not right at all.

The Osmonds – Nice people, sure, but when they talk about their ‘amazing journey’ I want to purchase a lawn mower and trim them all to death. That can’t be healthy.

As I say, softer than a bag of breasts, but still worth poking with a stick. As usual, let’s hear you add your faves!

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16 Responses

  1. Robbie Fucking Williams. Do I need to justify this?

    How about angels? The shittest song ever to capture the imagination of an entire nation, it seems. He couldn’t even get the yanks to buy it – what does that say about the British?

    Or his “sense of humour”. Saying anything that comes into your head then smirking like a schoolboy isn’t funny, it just makes you look like you’ve had a stroke.

    Or his magnanimous little speech when he committed day light robbery on EMI? I think a quote was “I’m rich belond my wildest dreams”. Anyd my wildest nightmares, you prick. £80 million for an album that is currently being used to pave roads in China.

    Case. Rested.

  2. I cannot argue with that GGM. A perfect illustration of his cuntitude.

  3. The ‘Hucknall’ has been covered already elsewhere I believe.

    Don’t know why exactly but there is something which deeply disturbs me about Tori Amos. Seriously I go absolutely fucking nuts. It all started with her piggin awful cover of Smells like teen spirit I think.

    Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

  4. nickleback are amazin
    i cant believe you can say there not!
    and ur wrong about metallica. ther better now than they ever have been.

  5. RockR, do you wear glasses? I only ask as I’d love to know how they stay on, as you obviously don’t have ears.

  6. Ida Marie – enrages me!! No songs. 😉

    Sister Bliss from faux techno dullards Faithless – noit sure why. The hair? The stern lesbian expression? The cod ‘hardfloor’ nonsense they release?

    Kurt Cobain – for so many reasons.

  7. Antony and Johnsons.

    People, the emperor is NAKED! And it turns out he is a fat twat with stupid hair. Just because he sounds a bit like a bird doesn’t mean he’s any good. Do yourself a favour and go and buy a Nina Simone record.

  8. I really hate Tina Turner. Ike didn’t batter her enough.

  9. 1.The Scissor Sisters…..gold lame, arse-bothering, Leo Sayer soundalikes. and not in a good way.
    2. Ocean Colour scene. Barrowland-filling dad-rocking, slightly-balding, utterly pants-ing soundtrack -to- Chris -fuckin -Evans -show providing ugly people.
    3. Mika. helium voiced midget gaylord.
    (I’ve just realised that I’m listing my girlfriends record collection, here. What does that say about her? Or me? )
    4. Queen. Arch-punk enemies with pantomime songs. See also elton John. And I’m not having that “early stuff was good” rot.

  10. It says she has looks, but no taste 😉

    Queen are unspeakably bad.

  11. Mike Myers has a lot to answer for for giving them a degree of credibility after Wayne’s World.

  12. Midge Ure ; how has this wee fanny ever got anywhere, NO, how has he ever been allowed to get anywhere.

    ” we walked in the cold air,
    freezing breath on the window pane,
    so mystic and soulful…”

    ” MYSTIC AND SOULFUL”?????? what !

  13. I apologise unreservedly for the use of the term ” wee fanny” in my previous remark and in no way intended to cause offence or distress to any person with a petite vagina.

    thank-you

  14. The Who, I really hate them.

  15. I don’t hate The Who, per se, but I really can’t fucking stand that prat Townsend. See all that loon dancing that he does on stage? The boiler suits? And he’s actually not that good a guitarist, either. Noisy, yeah. Good? Hmmm. And thats notwithstanding the computer stuff. Research? Aye right mate.

  16. Ah, small lady gardens. How very British!

    I don’t hate The Who, have to say, but much prefer the mod stuff to the rock opera stuff.

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