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Fantastic News – Mick Hucknall’s Back!

A friend once knew a ‘Page 3 Stunner’ type who, as these people are wont to do, wanted to bag herself a rich husband and would therefore pretty much bang anybody famous with some coin to flash around. One such experience led to her spending the night with Simply Red’s Mick Hucknall. The night was somewhat spoiled, she thought, by Mick playing his own records and constantly stopping during the unpleasantness to say ‘listen to this bit; it’s really good’.

There’s a lot of reasons to hate Mick Hucknall; him, the fact that he exists, his music, the fact he’s a cunt, those sort of things. But he’s really invited you to do so now he’s had a makeover. Yes, you read that right; a makeover. Mick has, Prince-like, emerged from a creative cocoon as a beautiful butterfly ready to regale us with sumptuous music and re-define rock. Except he hasn’t, obviously. He’s dropped his first name and now wants to be known, Morrisseyesquely, as ‘Hucknall’. Fine by me. He’s also back with a cynical, kitchen-sink ersatz soul song called ‘Poverty’ which has clearly been inspired by Amy Winehouse’s success and couldn’t be more of a contrived rip-off if it had it tattooed across it’s wan, white soulless arsecheeks. It’s also utterly appalling to hear a spoiled wine-bar singer trying to go all bluesy and sing about he’s got nothing. Add to that the lyrics would shame a Blue Peter competition to have the nation’s six-year-olds write a blues lament, and boy, do we have a stinker.

So, Hucknall it is. But some things never change, and the quality of the music never will. I’d rather shear off my piece of pork with a small vegetable knife than listen to this incompetent. He can’t even rip-off right!

Hucknall….. What’s to like?


13 Responses

  1. Its from a compilation of Bobby “Blue” Bland songs apparently.

  2. It’s still dire HW.

  3. Am curious to know what you types who write this stuff have ever actually achieved, either in a career or in music. My wife is a huge fan of Micks and just read your horrible blog. She is upset. Why dont you print your address and your real name so I can pop over and have a little word. Not to worry I can and will find you. I need to teach you what horrible really means.

  4. There’s only one way to settle it…….


    but seriously though, get a grip.

    In saying that, if my wife liked simply red, I’d probably be an angry psycho too.



    The Hazzer!

  5. Hi EHB,
    Your wife sounds like she’d benefit from being drowned.

    No offence, but if my wife liked Simply Red, I’d seriously consider beating her.

    Oh, and for the record, there is LITERALLY nothing more pathetic than the keyboard hardman. Especially a Simply Red-loving keyboard hardman. At ELM towers, we will respectfully laugh at you and supress the notion that, frankly, your whole issue comes from the fact you’ve never made your wife come. If she exists.


  6. Puny humans,

    word of this noisy hucknall meatsack has reached our planet. The ministry have a word for him – “phffitzbing”, which roughly translated means cunt-rag.

    Your planet will die for his irritating shrieking

  7. Extremely heavy bastard, I’m not sure you are familiar with one of the most basic tenents of civilised society – freedom of speech.

    If ELM doesn’t like a fat-over-the-hill-sup-par white soul singer it is his right to say so. It is not cool to threaten him with violence for airing his opinion. Just as it is not that cool that your wife not only likes Simply red, but GETS UPSET when someone slags him off.

    I didn’t think specials were allowed to get married. There you go, every day is, indeed, a school day.

  8. I would like to point out that Mick is hardly squeaky clean, he slagged off my hero Simon Cowell which I think he will find is a crime punishable by stoning:


    So there’s two good reasons to stone Mick Hucknall – his being Mick Hucknall and him slagging off Simon. Except I made the bit about Simon Cowell being my hero up, I can take him or leave him, I would just like to stone Mick if I’m really honest.

  9. I think Terry Hall is married. I know because I used to fancy him a lot. It was when I was younger obviously – he is far too old for me now. sigh

    I have never fancied Mick. Funny that

  10. Just a quick comment to E.H.B.

    If your ‘wife’ is so sensitive that she gets upset because people don’t like the same things that she likes i suggest you buy her some big ear muffs and a sack. She can wear the ear muffs so she can’t hear anything bad, and she can wear the sack over her head so she can’t read other peoples opinions on the ‘net.

    Alternatively, you can post your real name and address and we can send you some CD’s that you can play for your wife. Stuff that we like, then she can post her reviews here. If she calls Guy Garvey a bad name, we won’t mind. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. Thanks, I feel much better now.

    Sad Ole Red, that was pretty good though….

  12. I’ve pointed him in the direction of your blog…. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  13. I miss Extremely Heavy Bastard. I miss that he was Extremely Heavy, not merely Heavy. That made him special in my eyes.

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